Santa Claus has been hacked


The North Pole is in turmoil today in the wake of an unprecedented holiday season setback: Santa Claus has been hacked, and is currently locked out of his digital Naughty / Nice List.

Santa fell victim to the Bah-Hum Bug — a new super bug that many claim is the most dangerous amalgamation of online evil to ever troll the World Wide Web.

The Naughty / Nice List is inarguably one of the most (if not the most) important items Santa relies on annually to deliver Christmas joy to good boys and girls all over the world, and without it, it’s unclear how he’ll carry out his 2015 Christmas Eve run.

“Santa has no way of keeping track of the gifts people want, much less who has been naughty or nice,” said Krankle, one of Santa’s most trusted elves. “This is a complete disaster. One minute, everything was on track for our Dec. 25 gift delivery deadline, and the next we were wondering how we could possibly save Christmas. Stupid cyber-Scrooges.”

It’s unclear who is behind the Bah-Hum Bug hack, but its appeal is easy to see. With the 1,700 years worth of dirt Santa has on people around the world — including personal information like their addresses and phone numbers — who wouldn’t want to get their hands on that?

“I mean, the guy knows when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake,” added Krankle. “With that kind of vigilance, you’re going to know a lot of secrets about a lot of people.”

What’s even worse is reports now claim that Santa had not thought to back up the Naughty / Nice List even once. Additionally, he neglected to print a hard copy, saying that the folks of the North Pole were doing everything they could to minimize their carbon footprint.

According to a few elves, Santa had expressed concerns about going digital after more than a millennia of operating from a Naughty / Nice List that he hand-wrote on a scroll. He’d never been very tech-savvy, and was hesitant to abandon his old ways.

With Christmas just days away, millions all over the world are wondering what will happen next. Will the Bah-Hum Bug ruin the holidays for us all?

How did Claus get hacked all the way up in the North Pole?

Here are a few possibilities that could have made him vulnerable to digital catastrophe:

  1. He failed to install the Norton Security he got from the elves for his birthday last year.
  2. He opened a malicious app, like his favorite game Reindeer Smash. (Not-so-fun fact: More than 30 percent of the apps you can download aren’t safe to play with — they pose privacy concerns, house malicious content and even secretly drain your mobile device’s battery.)
  3. He landed on a compromised website while shopping for “night outfits” for Mrs. Claus.
  4. He accepted friend requests from everyone on the planet, including the Krampus and Bigfoot, who both sent him some malicious links.
  5. His password for everything is “christmas123” and he has absolutely no idea that he should regularly change this.
  6. He gave his personal information to a fake site when entering to win a romantic getaway for two to Punta Cana.